my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
