Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
