Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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