I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
