I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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