I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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