I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
