i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
