Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
