When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
