After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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