Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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