I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
