"it" just moved
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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