8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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