So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
