I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
