I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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