She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
