Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
