my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
