The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I have fence marks all over my body
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
