census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
