Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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