why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
