I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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