my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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