so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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