At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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