Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
