i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
