last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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