I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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