Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Couch. On fire.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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