I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
