True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
