I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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