My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
