Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
