guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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