So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
