The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
