the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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