apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
