I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
