6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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