Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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