Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I currently don't understand fingers.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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