I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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