we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize