i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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