so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
