I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
