Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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