thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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