Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
