Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
