Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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