update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize