In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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