just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Small penises have feelings too.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
