Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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